this past year has been by far the most beautiful, yet the most difficult of my entire life. a year ago, i stepped off of a plane from colorado thinking i’d only be here a week to see family. i was wrong. i didn’t know it in that moment, but my smile and laughs would soon turn to tears and frustration. my life as i knew it would end.
so i started over.
without a job, car or even much strength, i set out on a solo journey. i had lost myself so deep into a forest of doubt, insecurity and fear. i clung to walls that weren’t even stable. desperate for love in all other places outside of myself. the darkness had swallowed me whole and was not planning on letting me go. within the chaos, i had realized that darkness only exists in the absence of light. hope ignited within me that emerged into a flame i had never witnessed. for months, i locked myself in my room at night and laid out on the floor, diving deep into the waters of my consciousness. i ripped myself open and spilled my light onto the floor. the mess was necessary for me to see how beautiful it all really was.
every time i opened my eyes from an internal journey, i felt stronger. a cosmic bliss would wash over me, reassuring that everything would be okay and that i was learning. a newfound hunger for knowledge had imbedded itself within my skin and there was nothing i could do to stop it from spreading.
for months, i consumed the information i gathered about myself and the world. i explored the universal sea of existence and swam in its mystery. walking alone through trees saturated with the golden rays of a sun setting, i found myself. i spoke words of poetry and felt it in my core.
i danced around in my own company, half naked in a dizzying state of bliss. it electrified my being. it shook me harder than the wildest roller coaster running off of its rails. i had fallen in love with myself. i had come to know that self love was more intense than any love i had ever felt. this love brought me to my knees. i saw myself. truly.
fast forward to this present moment as i sit on my bed, typing this out. i am acknowledging and appreciating the tremendous growth i have gone through this past year. along the way, my clumsy legs ran me right into the most amazing people and experiences. from sitting with strangers on a beach at sunset drinking kava talking about life to playing guitars and didgeridoos in a parking lot late at night to doing things i had never done before. to the laughs with my sister. the hugs with my parents. the snuggles with a childhood pet before she left this world. falling for an amazing man who stumbled onto my path. reconnecting with best friends. and being there for a friend when she needed us most.
the growth is continuing every single day. practicing mindfulness and gratitude daily has manifested some amazing things into my life. the universe has sent me little love notes in the form of people’s smiles.
i am finding so much love in my life every day. i am dedicating time to sit in silence and gather any scattered thoughts that might have plagued my mind. i am creating art again. my heart is overflowing and expanding with so much love and appreciation for the little things. i notice everything now. i see the world with such clarity. i dream about making this existence a better one for everyone. i am working on manifesting my life in the way i want it.
a year later and i am so elated to say that i am the happiest i’ve been in a very long time. it’s crazy to think that it’s already been this much time. wow.
the best growth happens when you can analyze yourself and rip yourself apart to find the real you again. we take on these roles and fall into a behavior that doesn’t resonate with us just to make others happy or to fit in with a specific community, even if we are unaware at the time. break away. be you. create. your fingers are begging to make art. make love. make so much love that you are drunk with a divine bliss.
i no longer claw at my insides for existing as i am. i love myself as i am. i am alive. i am strong.
i am here.
• xoxo •